Just Say No

Douwe has discovered the exhilaration that comes with saying: No. For about 2 weeks now he has been applying the word to all situations and in many different inflections. He can use it persuasively, No Mama! He can throw out a dismissive, No. He can say it with a bored tone. A tone of ridicule. He can wail out a stream of No, mama, no, no, no! He likes it so much, he'll say it when he means yes.

I am thinking a lot about this stage because no is such an important word. I didn't know how to say it sometimes in college and found myself agreeing to be three different places at the same time on various weekend evenings, and making everybody including myself, frustrated. No is so important to use in social situations when it isn't going to be helpful or healthy to go with the flow of the group. Marriage vows are a yes to a beloved, but that yes is more than a yes, it is a public posture of "no" to potential and past loves.

It is interesting to me that "No" emerges from a toddler around the same time when they are hearing it from mama all day long. Are they imitating the word, trying it on for size? Are they exploring to see the power of it, and whether that power is dependent on the size of the person saying it? Is it a fun thing to say, or is it a basic signal of their own emerging identity? (He has also just learned to say his own name.)

And here's the big question: How do I encourage him to keep alive his "no" as a healthy, good and life-loving position in many, many situations without letting his No be the final word in our house? It is a challenge that I am motivated to grapple with.

I'm currently reading Rabbit, Run by John Updike and the main character, a 30-something man with a toddler boy and a newborn on the way got in the car one day to do an errand and just didn't go back home. I don't know yet if he will go back, but he seems to me to be saying this outrageous "no" with his actions because he didn't have the word "no" to evade this overwhelming fear of being trapped as a passive doormat in a myriad of little situations in life. The in-law's minister asked Rabbit what made him desert his wife. His answer: "She asked me to buy her a pack of cigarettes." When moving out for good is easier than saying a simple "No," there is a very trapped individual.

I could be working on a compliant response from Douwe, squash that no and punish him for putting forth his preferences in that loud terrible twos style, but I'm just thinking long term right now and wondering how much dread from connecting "I want to say no" to "I'll be punished for it" will stick around for later. Will a child who has been stripped of that natural urge to decline, protest, or get all ornery grow up to grasp unsucessfully for an assertive "no" when a stranger gets too friendly in a public restroom, or an older boyfriend wheedles for more sexual favors, or a pushy committee-chair demands meetings upon meetings, or a crabby wife takes as much leverage as she can get.

Many Christians I know would tell me that obedience is more crucial than self-assertion, but I don't think it is a clear cut either-or. Somehow the obedience gets mixed in with the protest, wrestling and haranguing that is part of the messiness of a functioning and honest relationship. Abraham arguing about Sodom with the angel of the Lord, Jacob wrestling and shoving and grasping for a blessing, Tamar standing up to men-folk and her father-in-law, Moses mixing his obedience and protest all up in every new situation. It's messy, but it's real and it seems like a way for God to release obedience from his people without their becoming robots with crippled ability to be part of a real relationship.

For all the no's that Douwe says these days, I still get the extreme pleasure of giving an occasional directive that he understands, gives his Mi-huh of affirmation and enthusiastically carries out. It is so amazing when babies come to the lingual sophistication of understanding the words, responding with whole-hearted cooperation and carrying out the directive with joy! Even if the ratio of no to yes is way off whack . .seeing that yes in action is pure pleasure.

I hope the yes and nos find a healthy balance in this house, time will tell.