Steve is Ten

We celebrated Steve's birthday a couple days early. Gabe prepared a scavenger hunt for his gift. We have been privileged to know Steve for four years now and he has grown up so much since his first months at our house back in 2005.

Safety and Freedom

With 2 toddlers and a 10 year old in the house right now, one of my greatest sources of anxiety are when these two questions are demanding an answer at the same time: are your kids reasonably safe from risk right now? are your kids getting enough age-appropriate freedom so they can grow up to be confident in their environment? There's the answer I would give, there's the answer some of my neighbors would give, and there is the answer my kids would give, and they are all different answers. What to do?

Sometimes at the playground I meet parents who think I'm a little too far from Douwe because my hands aren't 6 inches away in case he falls. They try to help him out because I'm not right there, and I get the message that I am not making the right choice to let Douwe have a little risk of getting bumped for the sake of his need to achieve more confidence and independence.

When I was 5, I started walking to school and home every day, two blocks. Loved it. I could leave when I was ready, play at school outside a bit if early, and even when my sisters started going to school with me, we all just left when we each were ready to go and rarely walked all together. If I would have been on the bus, it would have been an long ride first one on in the morning, last one off in afternoon

When I was ten, I got my first new 10 speed bike and took myself to Willowbrook Pool, softball games and practices at Veterans Park, the library and Greco Candy or Submarine Port. I had a walking paper route with my sisters on Wednesday afternoons, and a daily bike paper route in the mornings, and the most my parents would help would be with folding papers. Those were age-appropriate freedoms and responsibilities and helped me become a responsible and confident adult.

Now I have a 10 year old, and if I let him ride his bike, even in a clearly defined small area crossing no busy streets, even with his helmet on, even with the company of 2 friends, even with my cell-phone in his pocket to call if he needs something, even with knowing many of my neighbors thanks to block-parties, I am pacing the house for that hour he is allowed to play. What if he does something pesky, what if he gets hurt, what if the neighbors think I am not "watching" him closely enough? I am sort of hoping he comes home late so I can tell him he can't play tomorrow! As there are only a few years of time in a kid's life when they think it is awesome to ride a bike around, it does not make sense to me to tell him to wait 'til he's 14 or 16. It also does not work to follow him on my bike and leave the toddlers at home. So I decide to take the "risk" of letting him play for a little while, knowing that life is "risky" anyway and that kids will not be healthy or confident if they have a hovering adult in their sight till the day they turn 18.

At "Coffee with the Principal" at school, the discussion came up about school arrival and dismissals. There is no funding for busses because it is a small residential grid that feeds this school. Even though we all live close, biking to school is strongly discouraged by school personnel. Walking to school, even with mom, is sort of discouraged as well, because it is such a busy intersection near the school. And driving several hundred children the few blocks to and from school makes for a jam-up in the whole area at 2:30 in the afternoon with 150 cars crowding into a narrow city street, waiting in car line-ups that go around the corner to say their kid's names out the car window so that each name can be radioed inside, then called out over the intercom to dismiss each child one family at a time. This school property was definitely built for walking and biking arrival and dismissal, but even with this school-door to car-door adult escort process, there are parents who think it is dangerous that children's names are being called out over the intercom. What if a stranger is lurking on the grounds and memorizes the name of a child?

How many strangers really want our children? Many adults I encounter in a day seem to enjoy a squirrelly kid in their space for a maximum of 10 minutes. Most foster children in our county have experienced their greatest moments of danger in the company of family or household members. Why do we prefer to believe that strangers or side-streets are so much more dangerous than it can be right inside our own house?

Jeff found a new york times article that he thought I would be interested in and it is comforting to know that I am not the only one who feels caught between wanting my children to learn how to gradually grow into independence yet wanting no overly vigilant community member to accuse me of neglect!

If, as this article cites, 115 children are kidnapped in a year and 125,000 are injured in auto accidents, even accounting for exposure differences, it would seem that a parent could then be considered endangering a child for taking them somewhere in a car. If more kids are becoming at risk for obesity-related health problems because of low outdoor activity, might a parent someday become considered endangering a child for not telling them to get outside and play? Is it possible to live life in a quality way while accepting that risk is never completely avoided?

I'm so, so, so, glad I had freedom to navigate my community as a ten year old when my mom needed to be home with household chores and napping babies. I'm glad I was in a town and a neighborhood where other kids could too. Watching daytime tv all summer might have been "safer," but not better for my developmental tasks of growing up.

I Need Help

The three words to this entry's title are amazingly hard words to say. Lately I have been trying to teach Douwe and Karma to say these words to me instead of thinking their only option is screaming or kicking in frustration for trying out a new skill that is not quite all there yet, getting a shoe on, buckling stroller/carseat/booster-chair straps, assembling a train-track hill. It is important to give them time to try it and practice and follow through on their insistence "I can do it by myself!" which they love to say all day. But sometimes, they just need help!

I also have been giving a hard time to various people in my life who are adults and unwilling or unable to say those three words to me after I have invited them to ask me for help on occasion and have let them know I would enjoy helping in particular ways. Why don't they ask?

I have also been thinking about what the "accusing" voice inside my head starts saying if I take a risk and say the words to others: I need help.

I am one who thinks a lot about why we do what we do at the different ages we are. So the past months a lot of thinking about why it is so hard to ask for help at any age. Well the three words in the request can make this request vulnerable to a response that shames: "I?" Why do you always think about yourself? "Need?" There isn't enough time, energy or resources to meet your needs so deal with it. "Help?" You have to figure out a way to do it by yourself, I did!

A really great book I read in Douwe's early months, Let the Baby Drive, has a philosophy page on its website that asks so many questions that are relevant to the difficulty of being a caregiver. My own answer to that first paragraph of philosophical questions is pretty gloomy, partly because I wrote it as I was grieving last summer after Steve left us, when I realized that I had been trapped between shame and blame all summer when I didn't have enough stamina and skill to care for his urgent needs. When I was persistent in asking for help to various "support" people, many of them tried to shame me as being pushy or demanding or unrealistic. (Most of them were being stretched by an unreasonably large caseload of people to help.) When I lost my temper and smacked Steve, which was the catalyst for a lightning quick termination of his placement in my care, I was blamed for letting an argument escalate, losing my cool, breaking the rules, not being perfect etc. That experience taught me that many caregivers, mommies, nurses, teachers, anyone that has to regularly care for needy people, elderly, children, disabled, are often in a trap where there is not enough resources to meet all the needs but an expectation to meet all the needs anyway without 1. "losing it" and 2. without being a nuisance and asking for more support.

So last summer I wrote the below indictment against "the principalities and powers of this age that are in operation" which yes is gloomy, but there is truth to it, and I hope any caregiver of young children who is feeling trapped between shame and blame for feeling inadequate and overwhelmed in their role can see it is not their fault, and definitely not the fault of the needy people they are caring for, but a greater systemic flaw in human society that is in service to power and wealth rather than human needs. I think we are created to be interdependent, and even dependent at certain stages in our life, so why is there so much difficulty communicating a basic request that is part of interdependence . . "could you help me with this?"

Why are we feeling inadequate? Mommy, Teacher, Nurse, Social-Worker, be sure that it isn't your fault, you can't fix it by just doing better tomorrow. The larger system is what is inadequate and will probably always be, so all that blame and shame for failing to measure up is not on you.

If a family system, church, social agency, or economic system puts power and wealth before people, these are the unwritten rules that are operating:

This system is not structured for meeting the needs of people, especially children and their caregivers.

Children with unmet needs are wired to express them using vocalization, body language and actions. They will use increasingly distressing or disturbing behaviors if they are not receiving a response when they communicate needs.

Caregivers are expected by the system to use varying tactics of force, abandonment and shame to teach a child to be less needy. Some children do not take to this teaching well, and do not respond to the tactics.

If a caregiver fails to gain compliance from a child, or escalates the tactics of force, abandonment and shame in such a way that harms the child, the caregiver is blamed and shamed.

When a caregiver refuses to use tactics of force, abandonment, or shame on a child, there is a recognition that the caregiver will need significant help and support to be able to meet the needs of the child and continue to meet her own needs.

If a caregiver recognizes and asks for extra help and support, she is often blamed and shamed for being demanding, selfish, annoying, and overly needy. She is reminded to stop spoiling and coddling the child.

The bottom line: This system requires that caregivers and their children deny and minimize their own needs, accept and learn to perpetuate a role of greater compliance and self-sufficiency. Be warned that the system is prepared to punish or abandon those caregivers and children that persist in communicating their needs or escalate their methods of asking for help. Be warned that anyone who names or resists the above rules is engaging with a powerful force that will do what it takes to silence or squash non-compliant persons.

Yes it is gloomy, but I am not gloomy about this bad news (at least today), because the people are being and will be released from this trap, the destructive systems loyal to Mammon are doomed, and the power and abundance of resurrection life will overcome and heal.

Here's a song to the most en/theos/iastic Helper by a musician who often asked for help:

Psalm 86
A prayer of David.
Hear, O LORD, and answer me, for I am poor and needy.
Guard my life, for I am devoted to you.
You are my God; save your servant who trusts in you.

Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to you all day long.

Bring joy to your servant, for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul.

You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you.

Hear my prayer, O LORD; listen to my cry for mercy.

In the day of my trouble I will call to you, for you will answer me.

Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord;
no deeds can compare with yours.

All the nations you have made will come and worship before you, O Lord;
they will bring glory to your name.

For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God.

Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.

I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.

For great is your love toward me;
you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.

The arrogant are attacking me, O God; a band of ruthless men seeks my life—
men without regard for you.

But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,
slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

Turn to me and have mercy on me; grant your strength to your servant
and save the son of your maidservant.

Give me a sign of your goodness, that my enemies may see it and be put to shame,
for you, O LORD, have helped me and comforted me.

R and R

Foster parents are encouraged to build a couple days of "respite" into each month so that the extra stress on household life doesn't get overwhelming. Last month we took Douwe camping and this month was a get-away just for Jeff and me.

Jeff set up a general itinerary for the weekend based on a book he gave me for my birthday last year called Homegrown Indiana, which is a geographically based directory of restaurants, farms, wineries, orchards and special food products that can be found generally close to home in the state of Indiana. Attentive food consumers tend towards a more "locavore" diet, which means choosing foods that are grown and produced as locally as possible to cut down on transportation energy waste, and to increase the chance of personally knowing and directly supporting the farmers and producers.

We have a slowly growing list of ingredients from local sources in our pantry:
Real maple syrup: Made in our county at Deep River County Park, a case lasts us about a year.
Milled grains (cornmeal, flour, pancake batter etc.) New Rinkel's Mill
Corn: summer fresh, frozen for winter: Bultema Farm
Honey: a guy at Highland farmer's market sells locally made honey
Blueberries: July fresh, frozen for winter: Eenigenburg's in De Motte
Strawberries: June fresh, frozen or jellied for winter: Johnson's in Hobart
Apples: September fresh, sauced for winter from Village Farmstand or County Line Orchard
Tomatoes: August September fresh, made into sauce for winter from our back yard this summer!
Canned Store Tomatoes: Red Gold is a central Indiana brand, we want to start stocking these!

Friday morning we got on the road, Route 41 south. Our first stop travelling south toward Indianapolis was supposed to be a restaurant called Maize in Lafayette. Unfortunately, it was no longer there so we ate at the new restaurant at that address and it was ok but I forgot the name.

Then we headed east toward Elwood, IN which has a small building called a meadery. We had our first tasting session of mead, which is made from fermented honey and one of the oldest fermented drinks known to civilization. New Day Meadery had several types of mead, honey only and fruity so it was fun to try them all and buy a few bottles.

Our next stop was a gem, in a really nice town just north-west of Indianpolis called Zionsville. Trader's Point Creamery is a beautiful rustic dairy farm that has cows and makes milk, yogurt, cheese, etc, hosts a Friday evening Farmer's Market which meanders onto a beautiful deck and patio where they serve a Patio Meal on Friday nights. The weather was absolutely perfect, an accordionist was serenading our lasagna meal, and chickens and cows were wandering nearby in the pasture. They have a Netherlander named Fons Smits using his agricultural skills at the creamery. Drinking their chocolate milk is pretty much like drinking a chocolate shake. It was a very fun place to visit and looks well set up for barn weddings and banquets, beautifully landscaped.

On Saturday morning, we walked from our downtown hotel to Cafe Patachou and as soon as we saw the menu we decided we were coming back the next morning too. My favorite part about the restaurant besides the food was a mural on one of the walls made of colored string and pushpins.

After that we walked to the City Market, but it wasn't what we expected and pretty much closed, so we shopped a bit in the mall, then drove to a little "foodie" spot/deli/charcuterie/wine and beer cellar called Goose: The Market. Jeff's plan for lunch was to get some bread, salami and cheese and take it to a park somewhere. And this was the perfect place to get all that and the kind of little tiny corner store that we would set up if we ever dared get into the mom-and-pop corner food store niche. It was really nice. We bought a pint of Trader's Point Chocolate Milk, some Capicolla and Mortadella, a baguette, and a chunk of cheese also from Trader's Point, and a savory deli salad with a unique ingredient list: cantaloupe, olives, feta. Very good, but a bite or two is plenty. We also bought some "Local Folks" ketchup, and some Shagbark Syrup from Hickoryworks which was mentioned in our book. We popped the lunchfood in our cooler with the ice bucket borrowed from the hotel, and drove back up to Zionsville to check out the little main street shops. Then we meandered around trying to find how to get into White River State Park which is downtown on the river, but we kept getting into the zoo entrance, finally we found where we needed to park and sat under a gazebo overlooking the river and ate one of the tastiest lunches in a long time. Even the bees wanted in. Can you tell we love to eat?

After lunch we wandered the park for a bit and then went to see the Informant before dinner.
We had a nice supper at R Bistro which is known for its menu of five appetizers, five entrees and five desserts which change weekly to make the most of whatever foods are in season locally. Let's see, Jeff had the carrot-ginger soup and I had a duck sausage w/melon/blueberry salsa (I'm starting to love the savory fruit combos!).
My entree was mushroom-potato quesadillas and Jeff had beef brisket with something good I forget. And we shared the chocolate crepes for dessert.

Next morning, back to Cafe Patachou for house-made granola, and pear-walnut-brown sugar french toast. Jeff loved the self-serve coffee station here and the fact that he could take a to-go cup on the way out.

On our way back we made a few stops off of Route 65. In a small town of Brookston, we found Two Cookin Sisters, which has a load of canned delights: Carrot Cake Jelly, Hooch Cherry Jam, the "loud and bossy" Big Sister Salsa, and several other preserved fruits and veggies. We bought a bunch for gifts. Then we got lost and finally found a horse, cow, pig, chicken farm which is run by a young family who just decided to take up farming (also working a job in Lafayette)and raise some heritage breeds, bought some land and put up buildings. We bought some pork (already processed and frozen) and a dozen eggs and asked a few questions. Jeff and I both have moms that grew up on farms, and yet we have been raised in the Chicagoland suburbs and think it is a novelty to be on a real family farm and see a real farmer walking his cow to the back yard and telling us how he processes his chickens.

We headed north then east to Monticello to a winery called Whyte Horse and tasted the wines that were made from grapes grown on their own property. Ate lunch at Monical's Pizza, then back north to Valporaiso where Karma and Gabe were staying. We were early so we tasted a few wines at Anderson's Winery in Valpo, then went to see if a little food shop in the square was open but it wasn't.

And then it was time to pick up children and head home to get ready for a new week of regular life. A weekend away, there's nothing like it.

Frick and Frack

These two are becoming inseparable. Douwe has picked up the bad habit of saying "huh?" after everything we say, just like Karma always does. Karma always wants to give him hugs and kisses before bed and he refuses, but generally he does everything she does.

They think it is funny to scream back and forth at the table and mess with each others car seats. It gets a little annoying when they constantly hype each other up, but generally they seem to be enjoying each other's daily company.

Douwe turns 2

We had a fun night tonight celebrating Douwe's birthday of two years old. Tractor "train" rides around Grandpa's backyard were the highlight of the party. Steve joined us for the evening and he played quite a bit with Gabe as they are pretty close in age. We are so thankful for the past two years of parenting a healthy wonderful son, and we are glad that he has a great extended family, cousins and foster siblings to enjoy his special milestones with.

And a happy birthday to Jeff, too!

Public Parks

I am so grateful that there are so many public parks in our area, it seems like we've been playing at one of them every day for at least an hour to burn off toddler energy and run free without saying and hearing "no, don't touch, don't walk there" all the time. Our favorites are Indi-Illi (closest) Wicker Park (2 huge play sets) Lan Oak (the best ramp loop and climbing walls) and 31st and Lakefront Downtown Playlot (low equipment and lots of ramps,fenced in and close to the beach).

Today we went to another nice park with a huge green space and new play equipment, Harrison Park, which is closer to downtown Hammond, and next door to where Karma and Douwe will be spending their mornings at the Montessori Children's Schoolhouse. We took a few "posed" photos as some of us were still dressed up from Sunday morning worship.

Visiting the Hospital

Grandma Groen had to spend a few days in the hospital over Labor Day weekend after a surgery and Karma and Douwe got to go visit three days in a row. It is one of their most exciting places they have been all summer: First you go through a revolving door, then up an escalator. At the top of the escalator is a big sheet of water coming down that they could put their hands on. Then an elevator ride. Then a bed with lots of up and down buttons (Grandma was a good sport for a few minutes.) Then a view down from this sixth floor room in the newest addition at Community Hospital. Then back down on elevator, past the fountain, down the escalator and out the revolving door.

I think they were disappointed the day they went past the hospital and both called out "Nana in the hospital" and I said no, she is home now.