Summer eating

Jeff has made a point to try out some new recipes on the grill and they are all turning out very well. A whole roast chicken, grilled pizzas, a pork loin roast stuffed and hand-tied, slow-cooked bbq ribs . . we are eating well. We sort of decided to skip any longer summer vacations and just make the most use of our own yard. There have been many good meals this past month.

The colorful picture on the table is one of the most beautiful sights in the world: summer fruits and vegetables. This is a combination of food I bought at the green city farmer's market, picked from my garden, and pulled out of the refrigerator drawer. It took a lot of time the whole next week, but we did manage to eat it all in some very tasty dishes.

Summer field trips

One monday we went north to Shedd Aquarium with friends from New Mexico, the Hollebeeks. The next monday we went south to Porter County Fair and strolled through the 4-H animal barns. I love living this close to the city and this close to the rural parts of Northwest Indiana.

Lost Marsh

The north side of Hammond, which is generally industrial and ugly, has a newer links-style golf course which has won awards as a remediation of a brownfield. The clubhouse was just finished in the last few months and it is a beautiful building.
The restaurant in the clubhouse has a terrace with a very interesting view of the course, Lake George, Whiting church spire, Hammond oil refineries and beyond that, the Chicago skyline. The sky was a bit dramatic tonight as well, and the dinner was very good.

West Beach

Jeff knocked off work early on Friday and we picked up Steve and his sister and spent the late afternoon at West Beach. It was a perfect afternoon at the beach, not blazing hot, but warm enough to swim. Lots of snacking, digging, and skipping stones.

Just Say No

Douwe has discovered the exhilaration that comes with saying: No. For about 2 weeks now he has been applying the word to all situations and in many different inflections. He can use it persuasively, No Mama! He can throw out a dismissive, No. He can say it with a bored tone. A tone of ridicule. He can wail out a stream of No, mama, no, no, no! He likes it so much, he'll say it when he means yes.

I am thinking a lot about this stage because no is such an important word. I didn't know how to say it sometimes in college and found myself agreeing to be three different places at the same time on various weekend evenings, and making everybody including myself, frustrated. No is so important to use in social situations when it isn't going to be helpful or healthy to go with the flow of the group. Marriage vows are a yes to a beloved, but that yes is more than a yes, it is a public posture of "no" to potential and past loves.

It is interesting to me that "No" emerges from a toddler around the same time when they are hearing it from mama all day long. Are they imitating the word, trying it on for size? Are they exploring to see the power of it, and whether that power is dependent on the size of the person saying it? Is it a fun thing to say, or is it a basic signal of their own emerging identity? (He has also just learned to say his own name.)

And here's the big question: How do I encourage him to keep alive his "no" as a healthy, good and life-loving position in many, many situations without letting his No be the final word in our house? It is a challenge that I am motivated to grapple with.

I'm currently reading Rabbit, Run by John Updike and the main character, a 30-something man with a toddler boy and a newborn on the way got in the car one day to do an errand and just didn't go back home. I don't know yet if he will go back, but he seems to me to be saying this outrageous "no" with his actions because he didn't have the word "no" to evade this overwhelming fear of being trapped as a passive doormat in a myriad of little situations in life. The in-law's minister asked Rabbit what made him desert his wife. His answer: "She asked me to buy her a pack of cigarettes." When moving out for good is easier than saying a simple "No," there is a very trapped individual.

I could be working on a compliant response from Douwe, squash that no and punish him for putting forth his preferences in that loud terrible twos style, but I'm just thinking long term right now and wondering how much dread from connecting "I want to say no" to "I'll be punished for it" will stick around for later. Will a child who has been stripped of that natural urge to decline, protest, or get all ornery grow up to grasp unsucessfully for an assertive "no" when a stranger gets too friendly in a public restroom, or an older boyfriend wheedles for more sexual favors, or a pushy committee-chair demands meetings upon meetings, or a crabby wife takes as much leverage as she can get.

Many Christians I know would tell me that obedience is more crucial than self-assertion, but I don't think it is a clear cut either-or. Somehow the obedience gets mixed in with the protest, wrestling and haranguing that is part of the messiness of a functioning and honest relationship. Abraham arguing about Sodom with the angel of the Lord, Jacob wrestling and shoving and grasping for a blessing, Tamar standing up to men-folk and her father-in-law, Moses mixing his obedience and protest all up in every new situation. It's messy, but it's real and it seems like a way for God to release obedience from his people without their becoming robots with crippled ability to be part of a real relationship.

For all the no's that Douwe says these days, I still get the extreme pleasure of giving an occasional directive that he understands, gives his Mi-huh of affirmation and enthusiastically carries out. It is so amazing when babies come to the lingual sophistication of understanding the words, responding with whole-hearted cooperation and carrying out the directive with joy! Even if the ratio of no to yes is way off whack . .seeing that yes in action is pure pleasure.

I hope the yes and nos find a healthy balance in this house, time will tell.

Lanting Gathering

When I was a kid, my dad's local sisters and bros would come over all the time for Sunday coffee. When my first little Lanting cousin was born, my sisters and I took turns playing with him. Then more children came and the houses got more crowded for the Sunday coffeetimes. When I was a teenager I started retreating to my room with a book after about 45 minutes because there were so many little kids. These days we do a gathering like this only occasionally, so the cameras were out. It was a beautiful day for an outdoor meal and lawn games. I still think of all my little Lanting cousins as little, but they are obviously grown up.

Big Bro

About once a month we have Steve for a visit. This Saturday, we had Steve and his sister come to "earn some money." My agenda was to give them a physically active day, let them practice a few kitchen and yard skills and give them an experience of "family life at home working together." Here's a few of the things we did together: Move dirt with buckets, weed a few areas, wash and vacuum two cars, make pancakes, cornbread, strawberry ice cream and water the plants. They took about an hour break for each hour they worked, so they were happy to play on the computer, play a game of Bohnanza, relax and play with Douwe, and have a hearty lunch and lots of snacks. They each earned about 20 dollars which they were very proud and excited about.

Douwe loved it. He can't quite say Steve, it comes out more like "Cheese" but he watches Steve's every move and laughs at Steve's antics. We are so glad that we get the opportunity to see him on occasion. It helps us all put the trauma of the sudden parting last summer more and more behind us.

We often think of our house as quite modest, it's only a simple rectangle of 32 x 24 feet, which is probably the size of many people's garage foundation. But it's all relative . . .when Steve's sister walked in she asked how many floors we had, Steve told her "It's huge, it has a basement, a main floor AND an UPSTAIRS!" Looking at our house through their eyes, it is a mansion.