Control and Withness

I've been using a lot of "ponder in my heart" energy the last several years to work at entering a new relational paradigm, one that I have labeled "being with" or "withness". My old relational paradigm, one that still seems ingrained in me even though for 10 or 12 years I have been trying to wriggle out of it, is what I label "control".

My anxiety as a person, as a Christian, and as a mom often finds its source in the ways I habitually approach relationships as defined by who is in control. It always seems to bring relief if I try to re-view my primary relationships as an opportunity to practice "being with." It takes the power struggle, the experience of oppression, any disagreement-generated hostility and resulting good-guy/bad-guy labels out of the mix, and makes the conflicts and their resolutions more about understanding who I am and who the other person is and how we can know each other more, make space for each other, serve and encourage and inform each other.

When I became the mother of an infant, I felt very strongly that Douwe's eventual relationships, especially the one with with Father, Son and Holy Spirit would be significantly influenced by the basic dynamics of his relationships with Mommy and Daddy. It seems so natural that a parent would find it primarily important to establish power and control in the relationship with a child, because the reverse would be disastrous. But I have wondered for a long time if it has to be about power and control at all, or if there could be a cooperation and thriving that naturally would emerge from a relationship that is mainly energized by the physical intimacy of shared space and experience---"withness". This has nothing to do with erasing the roles of parent and child, or discarding the idea of authority, but to uphold and define the roles without making "control" the driving energy between Douwe and me.

I read about a few different outlooks for establishing the parent-child relational dynamics in the earliest years through basic caregiving routines, and decided to choose the options which seemed that they could teach both Douwe and me about how a relationship might be cooperative and reliable and role-appropriate and mutually satisfying without requiring a power struggle or a sense of oppression. Eating and sleeping habits are biggies in the world of caregiving options, partly because those activities are what a newborn spends all her time doing, and partly because those are significant routines of life in a family household.

We chose to include Douwe in our bed during sleeptime to include him in the comfort of nighttime withness. I chose to respond to Douwe's needs and desires for drink, snack, touch, comfort, pain-relief, closeness, smell, taste, oral gratification, (and whatever all else he gets from it) by allowing him initiate nursing whenever, wherever and however long he wanted. He still has a "dependency" on this activity, not in terms of frequency or duration, but in the sense that his body is tense when he is trying to access the nipple, and then his whole body relaxes completely when he latches on. It is his "fix" and I sometimes wonder if there would be other less healthy "fixes" in his future life story if this one were not accessible during these baby years when it is completely age-appropriate to have a "dependency".

After he turned one, I began to tell him "later" if the time or setting was not immediately convenient for nursing, and he generally respects that. Caregiving is always a challenging role and "being with" any child for long periods of time can be boring and stressful and annoying and tiring no matter how you slice it, but overall I have never felt oppressed or used-up or manipulated while nursing a toddler because though he is very attached and enjoys being in my arms, he is not clingy, whiny or fearful, he has never had a tantrum, long bouts of crying, or wakefulness for long periods of the night. (Obviously he has been sick with an earache or a fever a few times and for those weeks I've seen clingy, wakeful, whiny.)

Of course he is still only 2 1/2, so there are much more curves in the road to come in this relationship. But so far I am glad that this basic promise I remember reading in the pregnancy days, probably from La Leche League literature, has held up: If you respond to baby's requests for holding, nursing, comfort, withness whenever they are expressed, you will not produce a spoiled controlling screamer who freaks out at the slightest frustration, but the opposite! You will find yourself living with a calm, secure, self-confident toddler who is able to communicate his desires and delay his gratification with many things.

I could not possibly practice these nursing/sleeping habits over the long term without these important gifts: A grandpa and grandma who invite Douwe for an overnight visit on a regular basis. Other areas in the house which work just fine for marital intimacy. An economic status that allows me to have no other current jobs but caregiving. My babysitter, Anne, and Ms. Nichole and Ms. Maureen at the Montessori school who provide me my many breaks from Mommy time.

The idea of baby-initiated nursing may feel like a threatening and irresponsible prospect of giving all control to the baby, if a relationship is primarily defined by who calls the shots. Maintaining a "no children allowed" bed may feel like the last fortress of non-parenting spouse time. But if "being with" is life-giving, if confidently asking for what they need with trust they'll receive it is a fundamental habit of faith we want our children to practice, and if the nuzzled closeness of nighttime parenting might teach some basic lessons (without a word, and only a few minutes' less sleep here and there) that God is with us, available for us whenever we call his name, that he does not put up a "no access" barrier during those darktime hours when even mature adults can feel lonely, wakeful, scared and vulnerable, then these few years of being so physically available for Douwe may provide a basic experience that will encourage him to believe in that less-physical-but-more-reliable promise of comfort that is still so difficult for me to absorb into the core of my anxious existence: "Fear not, for I am with you."

It has been both interesting and heartbreaking to experience that my relationships with the other children in my house, because they have not been built upon "being with" dynamics, so often feel cursed by control struggles. I often feel that I'm being mean and controlling, or that they are manipulating and using and walking all over me. I go back and forth whenever there is conflict between feeling like an oppressed mom or an oppressive mom. It is awful. I long to run away when I feel that am holding a clinging, bottomless pit of never-ending neediness. It triggers my anger and my fears, and wakes up my own neediness.

So I am one kind of mom to one child, and a very different kind of mom to the other two. I am still caught with one foot in "control" even as I experiment with trusting my step of faith into "withness." This has been so eye-opening and has taught me much about the dynamics of relationships. I don't yell at Douwe and have never smacked or spanked him, but it is not because I'm a mom who doesn't yell. I am a big time yeller, more than I knew. But the energy that produces yelling and further extremes of power-wielding parenting is a electric current that flows between two people who have somehow both become fluent in the "control" paradigm of relating. And little people are surprisingly full of determination and power if "control" is the game that is started.

I'm glad I am experiencing my two styles of being mommy in such a stark juxtaposition from one side of the room to another in the same hour. It is both reassuring me that my choices with Douwe's early years are nurturing a much-needed gentle spirit in both of us, and reminding me that there is still a huge powerhouse of anger and frustration and toxicity within my heart that promises to keep my conversion from "control" to "withness" a life-long process.