About 7 years ago I read a book by Matthew Fox that I still think about all the time as I observe how I and others interact with people of all ages and outlooks. I remember him using several different "c words" as an attempt to name various energies or motivations that can be present in our relationships. Compassion compulsion celebration control comfort criticism competition communication cooperation companionship condemnation. A wise person gave great help when I once confessed my anxiety about getting the words just right in a difficult conversation I was going to initiate with someone. He advised me to build my confidence on the "good goal" I had, whether it was to resolve a conflict, declare a need, understand or present a perspective.
Now that I am spending way more time with children as a full time caregiver, these "c words" are coming back to me as I consider the challenges of interacting with little people and big people alike. Often now in conversations I try to look beneath all the words to identify the "goal" or main motivation that is spurring on a particular exchange.
Is my goal with this person right now to establish control or to establish communication and cooperation?
When disappointed or hurt by my own or another's shortcoming or failure do I see criticism or comfort as the balm?
When discovering someone's success or good fortune, am I inclined to respond with celebration or competition?
When I notice need and attempt to help someone, are my efforts fueled by compulsion or compassion?
It seems to me that some of these "c words" name fear-driven motivations, while the others name a way of loving that, if we dare to tap into it, has its source in that Life-Breath of the Universe, the Holy Spirit. When it comes to his relationship with humanity, this Life Breath has made clear a good goal of his own: b/c of the resurrection of Christ it is companionship, no longer condemnation. That is good news to help me confidently face any person that I may be talking to today.
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